


Courtesy Call

by Livdonna



Category: Mötley Crüe
Genre: Addiction, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug-Use, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Recovery, Sadness, Self-Hatred, The heroin diaries, Trauma, Why do I do this, im insane, nikki is a hot mess, nikki is stubborn, nocturnal creativity, save nikki 2k18, the dirt, tommy tries so hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 14:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14426931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livdonna/pseuds/Livdonna
Summary: I let him cry on me.  I don't know what to say to him.  All I want to do is make it better, to fix whatever is happening inside of him right now.  I want to take all of his pain away.... he doesn't deserve to feel like this.





	Courtesy Call

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys.... so I wrote this at like 2 in the morning for the past 2 nights because I literally have no life and can't let my weird ideas roam around in my head all night so I have to write them AND since I'm an impulsive person I also need to put them online!!! LOL I'm ridiculous... anywayyy I'm probably projecting my own issues onto these poor guys but it helps so gotta do what works! Haha ok sorry im sappy and weird and I definitely do not act 21...

Tommy's P.O.V:

 

"I don't know what to do any more!" I blurt out, as I watch Nikki come out of the bathroom.

He looks so sedated and too far gone to even comprehend what I am saying. I know he just shot up in there. He's been doing it 4 to 5 times a day now. It breaks my heart that I can't do anything about it to stop him, and he is too stubborn to accept that he needs help. All I know is that I don't know how much longer he's gonna be alive if he continues like this, and I refuse to watch my best friend, my terror twin, deteriorate like this before my eyes. He is killing himself, and he either doesn't care, or doesn't realize.

The Nikki I know is gone. He has been replaced with a hollow shell of a person, a depressed, skeletal mess.

Nikki stares at me with a dazed, confused look. "What?"

"WHAT?!" I'm desperate. How could he not see what he's doing?! I can feel tears beginning to well in my eyes and I try the best I can to fight them, but they overpower me.

Nikki looks at me with a shocked and sad expression on his face. He has never seen me cry before. No wonder he looks so confused.

I take a deep breath in and quietly mumble to myself. "Fuck... god dammit. Fuck fuck fuck." I look up at Nikki and it all pours out. There's no point in fighting it any more.

"Where did you go?" I take another breath, and pause, as I stare into those beautiful green eyes he has. "I can't keep watching you do this to yourself, Nik. As your friend I care about you and... and.... " I stutter. I can't get the words out. The pain I am feeling is so deep, surgery wouldn't even be able to fix it.

"I... I mean.... JESUS CHRIST NIK. How much farther are you gonna go?! You keep saying 'it's no big deal' or 'I'm fine, I can handle it' or my favorite 'there's nothing wrong with me, fuck off and goodbye; mind your own business!' " I stare at him dead in the eyes, and look away slowly, taking in his appearance.

This is the worst I've ever seen him. His black hair is matted and sticking up in every direction possible. His beautiful green eyes that were once so bright are now dull and lifeless, along with his skin that is so fucking translucent if you look close enough you can fucking see through it. I've never seen Nikki so thin, and it scares me how much his collarbones and chest bones pop out of his skin, and his arms are like rails. They are scattered with so many track marks and bruises that they look like pincushions. Some even look infected.

"Tommy... dude, don't cry..." Nikki looks like he's at a loss. I don't think he's able to process anything that's happening. He looks like he's able to pass out any second now.

"Have you seen yourself, Nik?" I sigh. "Because I don't see you anymore. I don't know who I see... but it's definitely not the Nikki I met 6 years ago."

"Look man, I know it's fucked up. I know I'm fucked up. Everything's fucked up... the worlds fucked up..." He's rambling. He's making no sense. He's completely avoiding. You can't bullshit a bullshitter. Nikki was one hell of a bullshitter, lemme tell you that.

"Damn right it's fucked up, Nik!" It's getting harder and harder to control my tears. They threaten to pour out the more I talk to him. "How much longer are you gonna avoid the issue? You can't keep pushing this shit away, look at what it's done to you!"

"Look...." He stares at me dead in the face, "Give me one more week. One week and I'll be off this shit... " His words are starting to slur. Does he know what he's saying?

I look at him exasperated.

"Yup. A week.... just like all those other weeks you told me you would be off." I know I'm being sarcastic, but I don't know what else to do. This has become a complete hopeless case.

Nikki rolled his eyes at me and then smirked.

"I got time. It's fine." He closes his eyes. "Just let it run its course..."

I scooch closer to him, and grab his shoulders, looking into his lifeless eyes. My voice is hushed.

"Nik, listen to me. You don't HAVE MUCH LONGER. Are you understanding? This is gonna kill you. It's already fucking killing you! Do you know how freaked out I get whenever I come here because I know you're gonna look worse than the last time? I never know if you're still gonna be here! I'm afraid that one day I'll come in here to find you dead."

Nikki just stares. He's in his own little world... My heart is breaking. Not only is he physically dying, but his brain is getting eaten away too... God, he's too fucking young for this shit to happen.

I feel so desperate. I start to shake his shoulders.

"You look like a fucking skeleton! Is that what you see too, or am I just crazy?" I stop shaking, and whisper. "Please, Nik. Say something."

After a long period of silence, Nikki looks down, and takes a breath.  
"I'm sorry..."

He sounds so broken.... so lost... so hopeless. Before he could say anything else, I put my arms around him, holding back tears as I feel his spine and rib cage. He is so fucking fragile, I'm afraid I might break him if I hug him too hard.

Nikki leans into my touch, and puts his head on the crook of my neck. As I begin to rub his back, I feel something wet.... and that's when I realize that Nikki is crying.

Not ever have I been this shocked in my entire life.

I can feel a lump in my throat beginning to form, and chills run down my spine. This is real. This is Nikki being vulnerable. This is Nikki letting his guard down and taking his mask off. This is the Nikki that no one ever sees...

I let him cry on me. I don't know what to say to him. All I want to do is make it better, to fix whatever is happening inside of him right now. I want to take all of his pain away.... he doesn't deserve to feel like this.

"I don't want to do it Tommy.... You don't understand."

He's breaking. I can feel it. I squeeze him tighter.

"Why do you do it? You got so much shit ahead of you.... but with this running your life... Nik, you're losing it all."

Nikki let's out a sniffle, and I rub my hands through his hair. He speaks in a quiet but sad, helpless voice.

"I can't help it. I can't stop it.... I've tried. It's all I fucking have. Without it there's nothing that makes me feel okay. It's like a safety blanket.... When I'm losing my mind, it's the only thing that can save me... shut my fucking mind up."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. The more he speaks, the more I'm beginning to realize that there's something really serious going on underneath. Nikki is depressed.... seriously depressed. And whatever is happening in his head is too much to bear that the only way to make his thoughts go away is to shoot up.

"Nik..." I pause, debating whether or not I should even go this far. "What goes on in there?" I poke his head. I need answers. I just need to understand.

There is a long period of silence.  
Then Nikki speaks.

"It's filled with never ending questions that I know I'll never have the answers to... like why my childhood was fucked up... why did my family leave me... why am I fucked up... why do people bother with me... why can't I stop self destructing.... why should I stop self destructing... why am I such a miserable piece of shit... why do people bother with me...." Tears are falling freely from his eyes.

It takes a lot of strength for me to hold it together. Hearing shit like this coming from Nikki just tugs at my heartstrings, and I feel helpless.

After another long pause, he speaks again, this time his voice low and raspy.

"You would hate it up there Tommy.... It's fucking horrible."

* * *

The band meeting was scheduled for 2:30. It is now 3:15 and Nikki isn't here. No one seems to give a shit. I don't know why they don't confront him about what's going on! It's like they don't see what's happening when it's so painfully obvious. Are they all oblivious or am I just overreacting?!

Doc just came into the room with Vince and Mick. He looks super frustrated, and he's giving me a dirty look.

"Where the hell is Sixx?! Jesus Christ, he has never been on time ONCE."

I try to ignore him, and just shrug my shoulders, wanting to avoid as much conflict as I possibly can.

Vince, being the drama queen that he is, rolls his eyes. "Can't we just start without him? You know he's not coming."

"Give him a chance! He'll show up eventually." Mick always tries to keep the peace. Thank god for him. We would all have killed each other years ago if it wasn't for his maturity and father-like persona.

"ARE you KIDDING me?! We've given him enough fucking chances!" Doc is screeching now. "WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!"

I can't take it anymore, and before I know it, my plans of avoiding conflict fall down the drain.  
"Where the FUCK do you THINK he is?!"

Everyone stared at me in disbelief.  
It suddenly became silent.

No one said a word until I spoke up, staring at the three. They must think I'm so oblivious. They're ridiculous.

"What? Do you think I'm fucking stupid?! We all know what's going on but unlike you guys I actually make an effort to do something about it!"

Doc gave me the biggest glare I've ever seen him give. I didn't even give him a chance to speak before I continued yelling.

"It's like you don't give a shit!"

That was probably a big mistake. Sometimes I can't shut my big ass mouth.

"EXCUSE ME?! I don't give a shit?! Look at everything I do for you idiots! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT?!"

Jesus. He can scream. He can scream loud. Mick is giving me a look that's probably trying to tell me to let up and calm down. No way in hell. I can feel myself bubbling with anger.

"Really? If you gave a shit why don't you fucking confront him about it? All you do is ignore. You want to wish it away. THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS."

Doc looks like he's about to kill someone. Mick has to back him away in another room. Vince, however, stayed.

"You know he's too much of a stubborn ass to accept any of our help!" Vince screeches, "So why should we keep wasting our energy?!"

You got to be fucking kidding me. That received a huge eye roll.

"You wanna just watch him kill him self?! Because that's what's Fucking happening here! In case you were wondering, he's probably shooting up or passed out right now which is why he isn't fucking here!" I glare at all of them. "So If you would excuse me, I'm gonna go get him for you since none of you seem to give a fuck."

I stomped out the door, jumped on my motorcycle, and sped all the way to Nikki's Van Nuys mansion. I have the keys, so I let myself in and, as always, cautiously walk over all the dirty needles, burnt spoons, and whatever the hell else that fucker had scattered over the floor.

"ALRIGHT NIK GET YOUR ASS UP OR ILL DRAG YOU TO THE DAMN MEETING MYSELF..."

I heard no response back. None at all.

"Nik?"

It was so quiet in that damn house that you could hear a pin drop. I called again, louder.

"Sixx... where are you?!"

After checking the whole house, I decide his room is the only place he could be. His door isn't even closed, which is odd, since he always wants his privacy.

It's very dark in there, and as I'm looking around the room, I step on something sharp, sending a wave of pain through my foot.

"Fuck. What the hell is this?"

I wish I never looked down.

I had stepped on the syringe that was in Nikki's hand, which had blood on it. Nikki was sprawled out across the floor, with a pile of blood around him which was dripping from his arm. I felt a huge pit in my stomach, and thought I was going to throw up. My heart started pounding out of my chest and before I could register what was in front of me, I screamed.

"FUCK!"

I started to shake his shoulder, which was completely limp and I could feel his bone. There was no response. No budge. Nothing. My panic was increasing.

"Nik.... NIKKI."

I smacked him.  
No response.

I smacked him again.  
When the second time recieved no response, I felt tears welling in my eyes and screamed desperately, again.

"FUCK! WAKE THE FUCK UP SIXX!"

I knew it would happen all along, but part of me was hoping it wouldn't happen this soon.

This couldn't be happening.  
This can't be happening.

"THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.  
THIS IS NOT FUCKING HAPPENING.  
NIKKI. DONT FUCK AROUND WITH ME, SIXX. DON'T YOU DARE DO THIS TO ME! GOD DAMMIT!"

I'm hysterically crying at this point. I can't get myself to move because I am frozen in shock, and my eyes are locked on Nikki's body. You know what tunnel vision is? Where you feel like the world is spinning around you, and that you're the only one there? That's what I was feeling.

It's safer to disconnect from reality if your reality is as fucked up and scary as this shit.

Somehow, I snapped out of my trance, and bolted to Nikki's kitchen where his phone was. I snatched it off the holder, almost pulling the whole receiver off the wall, and jammed the numbers 9-1-1 into it.

* * *

My heart is beating out of my chest, and I can feel the world spinning around me, as the paramedics burst open the door of Nikki's room, and run in, almost knocking me over. I'm still cradling Nikki in my arms as tightly as I can, afraid that if i loosen my grip, I might lose him forever. One of the paramedics comes over to me with a stern look on his face.

"Sir, you have to let him go!"

I screech, with my eyes wide and full of panic and anger. "NO! FUCK YOU!"

Before I could say anything else, the guy is up in my face. I'm suddenly feeling a little threatened.  
"THIS IS URGENT. LET HIM GO!"

I'm not budging, because I am hysterically cursing and screaming at this point. One of the paramedics has to hold me down because I won't let go of Nikki. I am flailing in his grip. The guy is fucking strong, but that doesn't stop me from trying to escape. I bite his arm, and he screams in pain, and let's go of me, letting me escape from his grip.

I use all of the remaining strength I have to run after the paramedics, who now have made it outside. The ambulance sirens are blaring and flashing before my eyes. The second the door is about to close, I run in, impulsively. No way in hell am I letting him in there alone. If I get shit for it, I don't care. I'm the one that found him for gods sake...

Part of me wishes I hadn't gone in.

It's no surprise that Nikki's appearance would be disturbing, but I didn't realize how much the bright ambulance lights made every detail exaggerated. Nikki's skin wasn't even olive. It looked yellow. You know people who are jaundice? Yeah, that. I never noticed the deep, purplish-colored, dark circles underneath his sunken eyes. I knew his arms were fucked up, but I didn't realize how fucked up they were. The track marks were maroon colored, some black, and some yellowish with pus coming out. They were surrounded by yellow-green-grey bruises, and not one vein is noticeable. They have all collapsed. The part that got me the most was what his torso looked like. The paramedic had ripped off his shirt, and revealed what looked like the body of an auschwitz victim. The guys ribs were poking out, and it made his skin look paper thin. Not only did he shoot up in his arms, his neck, and his feet, but it turns out he did it in his abdomen too. It was covered in bruises and blood.

Sometimes you can't feel anything because there's too much of an overload of emotions. That's what was happening. I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. I suddenly felt sick, and had to look away. I almost didn't make it to the garbage can.

Everything is becoming blurred. Paramedics screaming, my throat burning, the ambulance sirens blaring, the beeping of the machines. It just sounds like chaos. I need to wake up. All I want is someone to tell me this is just a dream. I don't think I ever knew what Hell was until this moment.

"WE'RE LOSING HIM! COME ON!"

What?

I stumble over to where the paramedics are hovering over Nikki. They stuck millions of tubes in his arms. I think one is an IV. How the hell did they find a fucking vein to stick it into?!

Then it hits me.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE LOSING HIM?!!?!" I scream from the top of my lungs.  
"NIKKI SIXX DOESN'T DIE!"

"Sir, you NEED to get out of the way!"

I push him away, squeezing Nikki's hand. I get defensive.  
"NO!"

"SIR! WE'RE LOSING HIM!" Another paramedic yells out.

"GET THE AED KIT! WE HAVE TO SHOCK HIM!"

The paramedic who I've fought with since the beginning, shoves me away urgently.  
"HE HAS NO PULSE!"

The next few seconds became a blur.

"COME ON! COME ON!"  
"GET THE ADRENALINE!"  
"NO ONE IS FUCKING DYING IN MY AMBULANCE."

As soon as those words came out of his mouth, a huge wave of dizziness fell upon me, and the last thing I remember is watching a paramedic shove two needles in Nikki's chest.

* * *

I came to in a hospital bed. The bright lights are preventing me from opening my eyes. I can hear a faint beeping. Is that a heart monitor? I use my remaining strength to force my eyes open, blink a few times, and all of the room's details come into my vision. It's pure white. There is one window. It's raining outside.

As I dart my eyes back and forth, I realize my head is pounding. I must have hit it real hard when I passed out. There is an ice pack on the desk next to me. As I move my head to the right side, I see another bed.

My heart skips a beat, and a huge sense of relief washes over me.

Nikki is laying there, with some color in his face, and has a heartbeat.

I don't even hesitate to jump out of my bed to run over to him. He looks like he is sleeping

"Sixx... " I squeeze his hand, and chills run down my whole body. He is so cold. If you look close enough you can see him shivering. I pull his blanket over him more, and lean my head on his neck.  
"Jesus Christ... Nik. Thank god..."

All of a sudden, I feel a squeeze and hear a groan coming from Nikki.

He clears his through and let's out a raspy, "Fuck....."

The first word he says is fuck. Figures.

He opens his eyes slowly, blinking a few times, and closes them again. Then he moves his head to the right, towards me. I look at him with a gentle smile.

"Hey, bud."

Nikki looks so fucking confused. His heart rate must have skyrocketed because the machine just got louder and faster. I take his hand and squeeze it harder, and rub circles through his hair, hoping to calm him.  
"You're okay, man. You gotta relax..."

"What the fuck is going on? Why am I here? I don't wanna be here!" I watch his hand trail over his arm and touch the IV. No way in hell is he pulling the damn thing out.

I snatch his hand away and say in a stern voice. "Don't you Fucking dare."

Neither one of us knew what to say. After a few minutes of complete silence, a tear begins falling down my cheek. I lean into Nikki, closer than before, and pull his bangs up from his forehead.

"Don't ever scare me like that again, Sixx. I thought I was gonna lose you."

**Author's Note:**

> Should I even continue this??


End file.
